Just a few weeks ago in my newsletter on March 30th I spoke about the balance of grace and intuition. I spoke personally about my experience of walking away from a seemingly “perfect” home without knowing why! I was told by a soft whisper to wait. In this case, it wasn’t smooth, but it was certainly worth the wait!
Now, did I ace this test? No. I was not the girl with the marshmallow in front of me who patiently waited. I tried every which way to find another way to eat the marshmallow before it was time while telling myself that it was part of the process.
And the truth is, it is ALL part of the process.
Nothing in our experience ever goes to waste. Everything is growth.
My patience with my own impatience is getting me closer and closer to living a patient life. What do I mean by this?
Since passing up on that perfect 2-bedroom backyard heaven clawfoot tub oasis in the hills I have impatiently/anxiously:
- Toured 8-10 other houses
- Considered moving into my partner’s tiny 1-bedroom with him and my dog (girl, are you NUTS?)
- Felt deep anxiety/regret that we didn’t take the house
Until I finally realized that I needed to know what it was like to live alone!
Ding ding! It felt like the perfect answer!
No wonder I have been avoiding saying yes. I am not ready.
The day I decided that, I went for a long walk to integrate it. I walked with my intention and opened my heart to myself and my needs. Everything in my body said YES. I felt whole and most importantly heard by myself and the Universe. Yes, this is what I need next.
Less than 24 hours later I got a call from a woman who had a studio that I had contacted on craigslist weeks before. She said, “My tenant fell through. Would you like to come see it?”
That evening I was signing the lease to a sweet sunny adorable studio in the hills of Mill Valley CA. It had everything I needed, the timing was perfect, and I had the means to do it. I was over the moon!!!
So I packed up my things, paid ½ months double rent for the month of May and established my bachelorette life. Just me and my dog Murphy in the quiet redwoods. Yay!
And then, life did that thing where it happens.
The first two nights in the apartment I had horrible nightmares. The energy felt dense, dark and cold. The sun hadn’t been out in almost a week in the foggy foothills of Tamalpais Valley and I was freaked!
I smudged, prayed, meditated, danced, bought flowers, burned incense, sang, sprinkled salts, bought honey and bread, burned epsom salt and used essential oils. I committed to the space and after the third night, things started to shift. The sun came out, the energy cleared and it started to feel like home.
However, in that drunken no-sleep-from-nightmares-I-think-it’s-haunted stupor, I was feeling defeated, anxious and sad. I said to my partner the morning after a nasty nightmare, “I give up.”
That same night he had a sweet dream that we went to tour an ADU (accessory dwelling unit) in Petaluma, CA. We had talked about this dream for awhile, but weren’t sure about the distance.
It’s wine country and it’s BEAUTIFUL!
He got on Zillow to look casually while I was recovering from my sleepless night and found a wonderful 2-bedroom stand alone ADU on an acred lot in Petaluma that overlooks horses and rolling hills. The landlord invited us to come see it that day.
I said, “Sure, fine. Let’s go see it,” and went back to sleep.
From there, everything simply happened. The landlord is wonderful. The house is perfect, quiet and in nature. There is plenty of space for all of us. It’s entirely solar powered, has boxes to grow food, a washer and dryer and a brand new bathroom. The downtown is only 5 minutes away. The rent is cheaper and the internet is faster. When I checked again inside, the answer was yet again, “yes.” In fact, my body was way ahead of my head. It was already in motion. My logic couldn’t keep up. It didn’t make any sense!
But intuition, you just moved me to the studio in Mill Valley! Are you nuts?!
All I got back was a soft shrug and a, “I don’t know what to tell you. This is right. 🤷🏻♀️”
So we signed. I am moving again. And all the while on the outside it looks chaotic, unnecessarily expensive and impulsive, the truth is I have been attentively listening the whole time. I was living in the present each moment. I had the opportunity to live alone to know that it isn’t what I want afterall. I broke through the last barrier to intimacy that I had.
My new landlord laughed hearing my story. “So you’re paying triple deposits at one point to pay for this place?” he asked.
“I know,” I blushed. “But you know, there is a spiritual bank account and there is a financial bank account. I’m glad the latter could pay for the former this time.”
To be alive every day is not what we think.
The sole purpose of life is to live it. Try breaking your own rules, trusting your guides and gut and take some risks. You cannot make a mistake.
Who knows, maybe I’ll have to move again! At least I can say that I have never abandoned myself, I am learning a whole lot about trust and that I am alive!
The life experiment continues.
Until next time, sweet dreamers!
