Is it possible to forgive someone who will never change?
Simply by wanting someone to change, you’re perpetuating your own experience of suffering. If you believe you can change someone who repeatedly disrespects you, expect to feel frustrated and defeated. As much as you may want someone to change their poor behavior or attitude, or something they continuously do, no one changes until they are ready.
Understand that your continuous forgiving and letting their disrespect slide, is sending the message that you are okay with what they are doing. You’re sending the message that in the hustle and bustle of life, you will either forget what they did, or simply move on from it. By continuing to ‘get over it’, they feel confident that you will never sever ties with them. After all you’re still around, right? They may sweat it for a moment, but they know darn well you’re going to stick around and keep them in your life.
Why is it so hard to simply say, “NO MORE!” – to walk away or eliminate them from your life?
Life isn’t about changing the people around you. It’s about loving yourself. The more you love yourself, the less inclined you will be to ENABLE or TOLERATE inappropriate or disrespectful behavior. The problem is, most people don’t see their own worth and value enough to step away. Another thing is if you are a resilient type of person, which can be a good trait to have, you get over things really fast. Things don’t fester with you. This is ALWAYS in the perpetrators favor. Simply recognize if you are the resilient type and how it may be putting you in a vulnerable state. Once you recognize that Mr. or Mrs. Perpetrator is using your resilience to their manipulative advantage, it may make you realize how much you are enabling.
The point is, if you want the person to change, they have to be the one to do it
Most often the person is completely unaware that they need to change anything. That’s why they do what they do, over and over again. If you want the person to stop continuously disrespecting you, you have to detach yourself from the relationship. Detach, may or may not mean elimination, depending on the role they play in your life. If you can not sever ties for whatever reason, you MUST establish HEFTY boundaries for both you and the person disrespecting you. On the other hand if you want to work on loving yourself, respecting yourself and seeing your own worth, set the person free. They, and YOU will be fine. Yes, it may hurt for a while, but the pain will be worth gaining your self-esteem back and stepping into your power, which by the way, you have been giving away to the one disrespecting you!
I don’t have to tell you who in your life I may be describing.
You already know who that person is. But I will kindly remind you of the red flags that are continuing to show up:
- The person apologizes, cleans up their act for a bit, and then does it again
- The person somehow blames you, or shifts the focus away from what THEY did, to something you did. Most often something you did one time, way in the past (BTW, this could be a sign of a Narcissist) In coaching, I’ll help you identify if this is the case. I do a lot of work with women who have been, or are in narcissistic relationships.
- This person remembers and holds onto everything you have ever done to hurt them, or any mistakes you’ve made in the relationship. They attempt to hold this over your head as a cover for their continuous inappropriate and disrespectful behavior. This is classic manipulation! They try to hold you a prisoner to these things so that you bear no weight when it comes to calling them out on their continuous inappropriate and disrespectful behavior. Again, the goal is to keep all negative focus on you, as their cover.
- The person always has a reason to justify their behavior or why they did ‘IT’ again.
- The person will tell you all their good qualities, how they’re a great person, all the things they have done, and do for you and everyone else (this also, could be narcissistic behavior). This is also the most manipulating because the person most often DOES have great qualities and they have done GREAT things. That’s why you have been forgiving them and letting their behavior and actions slide. You will actually justify keeping them in your life, because da-da-da-da-da-da …. but he/she’s a good person ….. Yada-yada-yada
Understand that being a good person, and doing things for you and others, is completely separate from someone disrespecting you over and over again.
This person has no rules for themselves; only other people. They are victim mindset and come from heavy Level 1 Energy. Everything is always happening TO them, vs. they are doing it to themselves.
In closing, when a person continuously shows you who they are, BELIEVE them! Believe them! Unfortunately the truth is they DO NOT RESPECT YOU! Wake up, love yourself and disengage. Need help? I would love to be that coach! Let’s work together!
