Category: Donna Star

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Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Should I Stay or Should I Go?
(The Clash)

If I go there will be trouble.
An’ if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know
This indecision’s bugging me 

All week (I know it is only Tuesday by the way), I have been thinking about what to write about. I find that I can’t actually write about something unless I really feel it in my bones. So far this week, no luck – lots of false starts, but it just felt like words on paper….

But then, Inspiration struck. Hard. I was interviewed for a podcast called Life After Corporate (Perfect name, right?) and the episode is called ….Should I stay or Should I Go? I  mean does one have to be hit over the head to find a good topic to write about or what? 

In true transparency, I was afraid to listen to the podcast.

What if I sounded ridiculous or embarrassed myself about something/anything I talked about? Oh, that pesky Gremlin seriously needs to take a break (see last email for more details on the Gremlin). So, despite the trauma I was sure I was going to feel once I listened to myself, I sat and listened to the podcast. And, you know what? I sounded like me. Straight up honest and direct. Deb Boulanger is a masterful interviewer. She also had left her corporate gig and is doing amazing things for so many women. Thank you for doing what you do, Deb.

It would be impossible and incalculable for me to tell you how many times I thought about leaving my job. Side note, I did leave my former company several times but this company just got into my soul. It is a very special place with very special people. But it was no longer serving me (such a coachy term)
I have written exhaustively about my inability to dial my work habits back.  But this time, my body was giving me huge signals that is was time to go. And, I finally listened.

This is true for many of us – there are conversations you have inside your head that are on constant loop – should I stay or go in this relationship, should I stay or go with this job, and on and on. We all do it. Every.Single.One.Of.Us. What you may not realize at the time is how much energy this takes out of you when you are so caught up in an infinite loop of indecision. If you believe in the premise that there are no mistakes in life, what would you do if you knew that nothing bad was going to happen to you? What steps would you take to create the life you really want? What is in you that needs to be resolved in order for you to believe in yourself enough to put this conversation to bed.

I am living proof that coaching works. I want you to stop living in your head and start living your best life.

Book a complimentary coaching call with me today. (seriously what are you waiting for)?

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We Can Do HARD Things

This is Hard.


Today, I am just sad. My daughter left after staying with me for 3 weeks. We did not have a single fight which is epic news (one minor scuffle in the Verizon store but technology challenges don’t count, right?). She loves to cook, and I love to eat, so we are a perfect pair. I even watched some throw away shows on Netflix that I eventually got sucked into. This time it was Single Wives. I did see some educational value in the show because it was about 4 single women looking to find love led by a relationship coach, and I thought I could learn something since I am a coach myself.

Honestly, though, I just plain miss her.

Saying goodbye without really knowing when you will see your kids again hurts. Empty nesting brings up all sorts of feelings, and if you add a global pandemic on top of empty nesting, it feels 100x worse.

Given that I am a coach and supposed to know how to pull myself out of this funk, what to do?

First and foremost, I am honest about how I am feeling, and I am choosing to stay sad. In the past, I would have worked until I didn’t feel anything. And, in fairness, this strategy worked for me for a very long time. The downstream effect of this behavior though was that I was very disconnected from myself and this caused me to think and act in ways that were not truly beneficial to my overall well-being.

Despite what you may think, coaching isn’t always about making yourself feel better.

I think there is a very common misperception that this is what coaches do. Many times, I am working with my clients on simply acknowledging how they are feeling – raising their level of awareness. You would be surprised how often we skim over this part. Sometimes we are so busy taking care of others and our lives in general, the last person we focus on is ourselves. So today, I acknowledged how I was feeling and did not rush through it. I also surrounded myself with some amazingly uplifting friends (Life is Messy). And now, I am writing about this topic. I am taking action and not letting my feelings debilitate me. I believe this is a much more accurate depiction of how coaching works.

 
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my emails. It is very much appreciated. If you have questions about coaching, please reach out to me.

You can schedule a Free Discovery Call With Me HERE

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Do you ever have one of those days?

Ever have one of those days/weeks/years (hello 2020)?

You try everything and you just cannot seem to make it work?

As an entrepreneur, I can tell you I have lots of these days. I have, no lie, about 10 different articles that I am working on right now. Each one just doesn’t have quite the right note that I am trying to hit. I have an article on making mistakes ( I have made tons), #BLM, my view on assessments, and another article that focuses on asking people how they are and how we are conditioned to lie about how we are feeling and even worse, not really paying attention to the response.

I mean I have lots of great ideas, but I am having a hard time executing on any of them. Is this the perfectionist in me? When I do release my bi-weekly emails, I generally need to feel inspired to write. Something hits me over the head like a ton of bricks, and I know that is what I am going to write about. I suppose you just have to get used to using this particular muscle and then it just gets easier, right?

I believe wholeheartedly in working new muscle groups for peak efficiency.

I really do.

But, is something else at play here? As coaches, we always ask ourselves the same questions we ask our clients. We try to get to the root cause of our actions. So, if I take writing as an example and take away the inspiration layer, what is really behind the reason why I can’t seem to get a new post written?

Well, if I am being honest, I believe it is fear. Fear of judgment. How can I as a white person write about #BLM, how can I as a former Talent Acquisition / Ad agency specialist write about assessments when so much has already been written? Want to find out why we lie when someone asks us how we feel, listen to a Brene’ Brown podcast… and the list goes on about why I can’t do something. This is my brain keeping me safe, protecting me from embarrassment, failure, and judgment. So much easier when we play it safe and listen to our thoughts on why we can’t do something, right?

Since I am sharing my story, I have to ask…. How much do you not do because you are worried about judgment and fear? 

If I can get this article out today (because today is my deadline!), I know I can help you become unstuck and overcome your fear.

Do one thing today that takes you out of your comfort zone. I am here to help.

Let’s Overcome Fear Together

Learn more about me HERE

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When My Son Leaves House…

While my son has not lived in my house for many years, I don’t fear when he leaves his house. My son is gay, and we are Jewish, but he grew up in an area where this was largely tolerated and to some level, accepted. When he left to go to college, he also selected a school that was very accepting on every account. Still, I worried. Then, he moved to other cities – Pittsburgh, San Francisco, and LA – all generally accepting cities. But still, I worried.

Because mothers do worry. We worry that you will make bad choices, you will drink too much, do drugs that will have a deadly side effect, that you will go home with someone you shouldn’t have gone home with…. And, I also have a beautiful daughter, but today is not the day to ramble on about how much I worry about her safety. But trust me, I will on another day because being a woman in America has its own set of challenges.

But, for the most part, I do not worry about either of them coming home. For the most part, I do not worry about him getting pulled over by the cops while jogging, birdwatching, driving, crossing the street, entering his home, or even being in his home, shopping, walking, talking, or getting killed in public. By.the.police.

This is unimaginable and unthinkable to me. And, every pore in my body is angry at a system that treats and has treated our black sons so ruthlessly. I can’t hug my children because they are not with me and also because of COVID. But I know I will hug them again.

Many black mothers will never hug their sons again. And for this, I am desperately worried. I worry that I am not doing enough and that the initial flames of outrage will burn out too quickly. And frankly, this worries me most of all.

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