If it’s not a HELL YES, it’s a no!
I used to say yes to everything. My schedule was jam-packed.
- There are a few reasons why I was always saying yes:
- I didn’t want to be at home with my thoughts.
- I thought it was cool to be out on the town all the time.
- I thought I was an extrovert and that’s what I was supposed to do.
- I wanted to make other people happy.
- That last bullet – making other people happy – wow, people-pleasing at its finest!
- I did what others expected me to do.
- I didn’t want to be rude.
- I wanted other people to always come to me as if I was NEEDED.
- I was desperate to be liked. I haaaated thinking that someone didn’t like me. Honestly, it still kind of bothers me, but at least I have the awareness to it now.
- Three things were happening here:
- I was raised to be a “good girl.”
- I was afraid to look within, to figure out who I really was and what I wanted.
- I was afraid to stick up for myself – I didn’t think I deserved to do that.
Many of us were raised to be “good.” And if we’re not “good” then we must be “bad.”
I was raised to put others first, that women serve, that saying ‘no’ either wasn’t done or it was done with guilt, and that if I had the time, I should.
But screw that. If you want to say no, say no.
I know it’s so much harder to put into practice, especially if you’ve gone your entire life pleasing others.
My husband is a big people-pleaser. I always tell him, “We no longer do things that we don’t want to do.” It’s taken him some time (4 years…) but we’ve finally gotten there.
For a long time, I didn’t really know what I wanted, or what made feel joy, or what made my energy skyrocket. So I just did everything, hoping to figure it out somehow. I didn’t. I was just really tired and annoyed that I was doing things that I didn’t love doing.
I was super afraid to speak up for myself until recently. Even now, I still hesitate. I’m working on this all the time. A pause helps me, and a plan. I envision the conversation going really well, slow my speaking, breathe, and pause when necessary.
Want to learn how to say no:
You don’t have to say ‘no’ at first, just say, ‘I’ll think about it’ or ‘let me check my schedule’ – this gives you time to pause and think. Ask yourself if this is something you really want to do, if it serves your best interest – and if not, it’s a no.
Remember, you’re allowed to not want to do something. Nothing is wrong with you if you simply need to rest at home, or if you just don’t want to do that thing. You’re normal!
Do you really know what you want? Sometimes, we say yes because we don’t even know what we want. Investigate – do you know your values and boundaries, do you know what you want to experience in life, do you know what’s important to you, do you know what enhances your energy and what sucks your energy dry? When you know these things, it’s easy to know if it’s a ‘yes’ or a ‘no.’
It’s okay to feel guilt. You can simply feel it, instead of trying to push it away, or saying ‘yes’ just to get rid of it. Understand that it takes time and practice to change your habits. Soon enough, the guilt won’t even happen anymore.
If someone is upset with your ‘no,’ that’s on them – not on you. We can’t control how other people react to us. We only control how we respond and react. Stay in your lane.
Make this your new mantra and practice living this way: If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.
